Today's Post Is Brought To You By The Letters M, R, & I

**If you missed my post about finding a lump in my breast last week, go here first.

I had my MRI at 7:45 this morning. My friend Anne met me there (The Father Load was unable to come) and I am grateful for her moral support. I also invited myself over to my friend Meg's house last week to vent and talk for a while. Thank God for good friends! Anne stayed with me while I got gowned up and they started my IV. Then I had to say goodbye and go down the hall with the nurse.

As soon as I saw the hulking machine and heard its humming my eyes welled up and I started to sniffle. Everything seemed frightfully cold and sterile. I desperately wanted The Father Load. The nurse handed me some headphones so I could avoid freaking the fuck out  listen to music during the procedure. With her help I positioned myself, but it was no easy task since I had to go face down and plant my breasts into two ginormous holes. I lowered my forehead/face onto a hard piece of crappy plastic resembling a tiny toilet seat (which was ironic indeed because I certainly felt shitty). The best part was the giant ridge in between my boobs that jammed into my sternum. All this while keeping my right arm straight because even with a flexible needle, the IV still ached. I finally laid all the way down and the nurse instructed me to remain still as long as I heard loud noises.

Then the whole table slid slowly backwards, sucking me into its gaping mouth, and although I was face down and couldn't see, I sensed my close, cave-like surroundings. Just as Aerosmith came on I started to think it might not be so bad, but then I heard something akin to gunshots. And they wouldn't stop. I couldn't even hear Steven Tyler. Tears came in a rush and soon the snot was dripping off the tip of my nose and it bothered me that I couldn't move to wipe it. My own stale breath came back at me with nowhere to go except the shallow toilet bowl I was looking into.

Then I knew I had to separate from myself or I'd never get through the next 29 minutes.

So I closed my eyes and tried to think good thoughts.

I thought about when we snuggled in bed Saturday morning. The girls made a mommy sandwich, one of them on each side of me. Abby faced me, and I listened to the rhythmic suck, suck, suck of her thumb, and
the whistling of air through her nostrils. She flung her right arm over me and patted me gently as if she sensed I needed that. Izzy was curled into me from behind, quiet, the heat of her breath on my back, her cold feet on the back of my legs. There was no talking for a while, no fighting, just precious moments being insatiably in love with my little girls.

They need me. I can't go anywhere.

Then,
Nothing is going to happen to me right now.

The machine's noises changed and suddenly it sounded as if it was saying "benign," "benign," "benign," over and over again, faster and faster. A high-pitched whinny.

It isn't my time yet, I thought.

I remembered the girls' first lemonade stand over the weekend. A milestone. More work for me, but it was worth it to see them flying to greet each customer, take the order, and run back, sloshing lemonade out of the Dixie cups. Red-faced and sweaty from the sun, we lined them up for sunscreen. In October.

Goofing off with Jacklyn while the adults set up

Some of the girls' friends who joined in the fun!

New knocking noises began, and my right arm got cold as they pushed the contrast solution into my IV. I  shut my eyes hard and thought ahead to this Sunday evening, when I will re-marry my husband. The new ivory dress hanging in my closet in a bag, pressed, waiting for me. We will stand under the chuppah as we did almost nine years ago. There will be cake and champagne and dancing. I can't wait.

Nothing is going to happen to me right now.
It isn't my time yet.

I got a phone call from The Father Load a little while ago. The radiologist reviewed my films and said everything is normal.

Nothing is going to happen to me right now.
Is isn't my time yet.

I Believe.

I believe in giving lots of hugs, and holding on tight.
I believe in family.
I believe in apologizing when I've hurt someone.
I believe in second chances, and sometimes third chances.
I believe in standing up for my beliefs.
I believe in a woman's right to choose.

I believe in love.
I believe any two people who are in love should have the right to marry.
I believe that in-vitro fertilization, fertility treatments, egg donation, surrogacy, and adoption are amazing things.
I believe that some people and doctors go overboard and this is dangerous.

I believe everyone has something important to say.
I believe that being a mom is a really tough job.
I believe in not settling.
I believe in speaking up.
I believe in gut feelings.
I believe I can be more like Madonna every day.
I believe in date nights.
I believe in babysitters.
I believe in myself.

I believe in Halloween. I believe in magic. I believe in chance.

I believe in blaring my music when my kids aren't in the car.
I believe dogs can give the best medicine.
I believe in the power of friends I've never met.
I believe I am a writer.
I believe in the power of retail therapy.
I believe that I am loved.

I believe in being green.
I believe in recognizing that what we put into our bodies is just as important as things we put on our bodies.
I believe in Whole Foods & farmers' markets.
I believe in buying local & sustainable.
I believe in composting & recycling.
I believe that plastic is evil.
I believe that we are wasteful.
I believe we have a lot of work to do.

I believe in karma.
I believe in fate.
I believe that a hot bath and a glass of wine can cure most anything.
I believe that female friendships are intense and powerful.

I believe that I need to put myself first more often.
I believe that I do too much.
I believe that I need to be okay with saying "no" sometimes.
I believe I need to cut myself some slack.

I believe in homemade chocolate chip cookies with milk.
I believe in my daughters.
I believe in my husband.
I believe our Judaism is an important and integral part of our life.
I believe it is my duty to acknowledge my Jewish heritage, embrace it, and share it so that history does not repeat itself.

I believe that waiting is the hardest thing.
I believe that it's okay not to shower daily.
I believe yoga pants are my best friend.
I believe we need to focus more on our health and less on french fries.
I believe in the power of exercise and moving my body.

I believe in holding doors open for people.
I believe in bringing new moms and sick people dinner.
I believe in lemonade stands and big tips for the kids running them.
I believe in piggy banks and saving for a rainy day.
I believe that today's children shouldn't have to worry about riding their bikes, taking walks, or playing outside and being approached by strangers.
I believe we have to educate our kids about these things without scaring them too much.

I believe in the power a single person can have.

I believe I am ENOUGH.

And I desperately want to know:
What do YOU believe in? Leave it in the comments.

One Lump or Two?

Last week I found a lump in my left breast quite by accident as I was ardently scratching my armpit. It felt like a little garbanzo bean was hiding under there. I fingered it gingerly for a minute, then caught The Father Load's attention. We were watching Dexter at the time, so he half looked at me and said, "What?" while distractedly shifting his eyes back over to the bloody crime scene and the waif-like Jennifer Carpenter. I scooted over, took his hand and placed it on the lump. Our eyes locked.

"Feel it?" I said.

"Uh huh," came the reply. "You need to call the Dr. N in the morning."

My heartbeat sped up. I don't have any idea what happened in the rest of the episode. I'd switched over to auto pilot.

I remembered when Sunday over at Adventures in Extreme Parenthood blogged about her brush with breast cancer here and most recently here. When I read her posts I thought to myself, "Holy shit that was scary, and I'm so glad she's cancer free," but I never actually checked my own boobs. How stupid. Until now, I've relied solely on my gynecologist to check me out at my annual exam. Even though it's fucking Breast Cancer Awareness Month every October and Kansas City's fountains all turn shades of pink. I NEVER ACTUALLY CHECKED MY OWN BOOBS. MY.....OWN......BOOBS.

So Monday afternoon I went in for my first mammogram. As the tech manhandled me and manipulated my breasts this way and that, I looked up at the ceiling and pretended to be somewhere else. I felt naked, embarrassed and vulnerable. I started sweating, but I couldn't move to put my hair in a ponytail. As the machine clamped down on my pale, veiny breast, I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. In between pictures the tech asked me questions and made notes on her chart. "Is there a history of breast cancer in the family?" she asked. "Yes," I said, and felt my throat tighten. "My maternal grandmother had a lumpectomy and radiation. My mother and her sister have had several scares and biopsies, but so far everything's been benign."

How did I get here? Me....in a hospital gown? Having a mammogram at age 34? No fucking way. I can't deal with another bully right now. This one is invisible. It's unfair. It's secretive and sly, it snuck up on me just as I started feeling strong and brave.

After the mammogram, I had to have an ultrasound. The radiologist came in to look and said he wasn't too concerned, but wanted to see me back in six months to monitor the lump and see if it changes at all. So we set up that appointment and I left, feeling somewhat better, but still anxious to meet with the doctor and get the official green light.

I saw Dr. N (the breast surgeon) today to go over the results from yesterday's scans. I put on the lovely gown again and she began to examine me. She found the lump on the left side and we chatted and I started to relax a little. Then she moved over to the right breast. There was the slightest pause, the slowing of her hand, and the narrowing of her eyes. I heard the clock tick and my stomach gurgled. I knew before I knew. I knew suddenly that I also didn't want to know.

She found a second, larger lump. On the right side.

"I'd like to get you scanned again if you have time," she said. My stomach lurched like a roller coaster.

Deja vu.

Lying sideways with the help of a wedge-shaped pillow, arm up over my head, and lube all over my chest, while the tech rams the probe into my pit and the side of my breast, which is now getting very tender. Dr. N joins us. After several minutes she goes to get the radiologist. Soon there are four of us in the room, but I'm not really there. Dr. N keeps one hand resting softly on my calf, as if to comfort me, but I've left my body and my thoughts are falling everywhere, like slow confetti, bumping into one another, criss-crossing. I'm furious with myself for my own stupidity, thinking I was somehow exempt from it, or that this could never happen to me.

A lot was said, but I was alone, my brain was not thinking thoughts and I don't remember. I know they are scheduling an MRI. Dr. N said she thinks it may be just "very dense breast tissue," but wants to rule out anything else. The MRI will be sometime within the next week. They are supposed to call me to schedule it.

I am numb. I am fluid. I am stupid. I am like a leaf fluttering to the ground. I am like air, empty and vast, careless. I pride myself on taking such good care of my body and focusing on my heath, but I have ignored this. I have been walking along unfettered and feeling ablaze like fire, finally taking control of my life.

But really, it was a farce. I have failed miserably at taking care of myself. In oh so many ways.

Ladies, CHECK YOUR BREASTS.

Also: Hurry over to my friend Dana's site. She is a breast cancer survivor and her post here struck a chord with me before I even found my lump. I ordered my Save the Tatas pendant and contributed to her fundraising efforts---all money raised goes to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc. She is doing this on her own, and it's amazing. Please head over to her blog and tell her I said hi!

Food

Food is an obsession of mine. I love it. It's a big problem, especially given my thyroid issues lately.

And we have a wedding to attend next month in DC. Have no idea what I'll wear or even what still fits me at this point. Nevermind that I can't exercise much for the moment. So I'm trying (really hard this time) to curb my bad eating habits, to stop eating when I'm full, eat fewer carbs, and eat more organic things. I've basically kicked my Diet Coke habit and am so happy. This doesn't mean I've totally obliterated caffeine; I sometimes have some iced tea or a few sips of coffee, but no more carbonated beverages.

For breakfast I'm trying to do cottage cheese with fruit or a few scrambled eggs with whole wheat toast. Sometimes oatmeal with fruit (oatmeal is my fave, but more carbs than I should have). The cold cereal has to go, as much as I love it. I also got some Kashi waffles and may spread a tablespoon of peanut butter on one. My biggest problem is protein, methinks. I don't feel full for very long. So I need to focus on nuts, grains, fiber(as in fruit), dairy (yogurt, milk, cheese)--things that will stick to my ribs.

For lunch I do a lot of soup, turkey roll-ups, or sometimes Smart Ones frozen things to break up the routine a bit. And dinner is whatever I'm cooking. My other big problem is eating late at night due to a dessert addiction. We regularly resort to Skinny Cow ice cream cones around 8 p.m. or so after we get the kids to bed. A little sweet treat/reward. While those cones are touted as "healthy," "low-cal," etc., it doesn't change the fact that it's more food I don't really need to put in my mouth to begin with, especially that late at night.

Best-laid plans. I always start out great, but if I deny myself too much, I binge. It's not pretty. But I am also trying to stick with a real food diary this time--documenting every single morsel I put in my mouth. Because when you look at everything you've eaten in a given day/week, it can shock you.

Would love to hear any comments/tips/suggestions/thoughts/miracles you might have to share!

A tummy sleeper no more

Sadly I am unable to sleep on my tummy for the moment. I had my hernia surgery on Friday and am very sore. It's definitely not as bad as my c-section was, so that's a good thing. I am off painkillers (can't tolerate those very well at all--bad nausea) and just alternating Motrin with Extra-Strength Tylenol. I'm hurting, but I know in a few more days it will be much more tolerable. I don't even have stitches---the surgeon used Dermabond to put me back together. Should be interesting to see how that heals up and what the scar looks like afterwards compared to my c-section (which I had staples and stitches for). I'm not too worried, it's not like I'm wearing a bikini or anything!!!

The part I dread most about any surgery is the nausea/vomiting. I can't stand that awful feeling from the anesthesia and pain meds...fortunately they gave me a good cocktail in my IV right when I woke up and that helped keep it at bay. But the disconcerting thing was that I was very aware when they were extubating me. I think they'd already taken the oxygen off, but the tube was still in my throat. I couldn't get air, and it seemed like an eternity--but realistically it was probably only a minute or two. I felt like I couldn't breathe through my nose either, and this giant tube was lodged in my throat---talk about awful!!! I was awake, but I couldn't move or open my eyes yet. But as soon as the tube was out and they brought Dan over to me, I started crying and babbling about the breathing tube. I sounded like I was drunk, all garbled and my throat was raspy, etc...I think after that experience, I'll take the nausea anytime! I don't like feeling like I'm suffocating. Ugh. So relieved it's over.

My dad and Kory are moving to Mississippi next weekend. I can't believe it's finally here. It's going to be so odd (well, more odd for the rest of my family who still lives in NOLA)....

Hernia

I have a hernia.

Sigh.

Double sigh.

It is not enough of a hernia to require a special/immediate trip to the OR to have it fixed. But it's been bothering me lately and today I got confirmation from Dan's partner, who I saw in the office this afternoon. I've had it for a few months and it bugs me most when I'm exercising or after I've eaten. The discomfort comes and goes and only rarely have I had real PAIN from it---it's mostly a dull ache, sometimes a little on the pinchy side.

I'm not really ready to set up surgery and loathe the idea of being operated on again (I've had several surgeries in recent years, only one was elective). Hernia repair is not a huge surgery like a c-section, but still requires general anesthesia, which I loathe, and being out of commission for a week or so. Doctor said I can put it off until it becomes really uncomfortable. It is an outpatient procedure, which is wonderful. But still surgery, which sucks.

I think I'll put it on hold for a while and see how things go. He told me I can still work out and do normal activities, no restrictions...so that's something.

My dad has had a few hernias, wondering if I have a genetic predisposition (not likely, especially since he said it was probably from pregnancy)? lol.

starting something new....

last week i started having fat free cottage cheese with fresh fruit for breakfast (instead of cheerios/oatmeal/english muffin----> loads of CARBS)...and raw almonds for snacks. i am going to try and start making small changes in my diet little by little so that gradually the whole picture will become more healthy. cottage cheese has zero carbs and lots of protein, plus calcium, and it's low in calories. the fresh fruit = vitamin C + fiber, etc...and almonds are also high in protein and fiber, low in carbs/sugar....smart snacking. i have to have little snacks throughout the day or my blood sugar crashes and i get shaky and sweaty in a matter of minutes. i can usually feel it coming on, and if i don't have a snack handy i'm in trouble. i bought a few bags of almonds and stashed some in my car and some in my purse. so i have no excuse not to snack well!!!

i got a mani yesterday with my cool friend Anne and it was a lovely morning treat after a hellish week. i am going to get a pedi later this week. i enjoy getting the two together, but it spreads out the pampering if i can enjoy them separately!

i am going to try a rachel ray recipe i tore out of a magazine from the vet's office the other day (shame on me!)----meat pies made with ground turkey and using that Pillsbury pizza dough. needing easy/fast/semi-healthy dinner ideas!

funk

I haven't posted lately and have been stuck in a funk. It really sucks.

I attribute it primarily to the fluctuation of my hormone levels from my thyroid procedure. I am now hypothyroid and have started taking Synthroid, the medicine I'll be on for the rest of my life. But apparently it's going to take a few months to get my levels to where they're supposed to be. I've been a little depressed, sad, cold, irritable, exhausted, and I have zero energy. I feel like crying a lot. I keep trying to tell myself it's only temporary and I know the cause of it, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with on a daily basis.

A bright spot recently was a visit from my brother Mark and his wife Katheryn, and their darling daughter Livy. Livy is only 6 weeks younger than Abby and Izzy, so the girls had a blast and played together all weekend. I think it was a little shock to Livy's system, as she's not accustomed to all the fighting that siblings do. She's not used to other kids coming up to her to steal her toy or yank her hair for no reason. My kids, however, do these things to each other all day long so they're old pros.

They arrived in Kansas City early Friday afternoon and that evening we took them to see the Doo Dads, one of our favorite kiddie bands. We weren't sure how Livy would handle it, but she loved it and really enjoyed herself. Saturday we took them to Wonderscope, which is essentially our children's museum, and then out to lunch at Winstead's. While the girls were napping we took Mark and Katheryn over to see our new house. That night we had a sitter and the grownups went bowling and out for dinner. Pics to follow soon---I bowled 100, my top score ever! My arm and shoulder are still really sore, I hope I didn't do any damage, lol. That would be just like me. Sunday we mostly laid low, and Dan took Mark and Katheryn out for a barbecue lunch while I stayed home with all 3 girls. They were too cute. We took tons of pics, but my laptop won't recognize our digital camera anymore, so I'll have to load them via the dinosaur later on. Stay tuned!

It was wonderful having them here and I was sad to see them go. I hope they'll come back soon!!!

it's always something

i have "thyroiditis" now. the fun never ends, does it?
i started feeling off on thursday and dismissed it. when it continued on friday, i called my mom and then dan, and then left a message for my doctor. i was super hot (even more so than usual, which means i was disgustingly sweaty), very breathless/winded, and felt a large lump in my throat....almost like i was trying to swallow a golf ball. and my neck was very tender. i really didn't want to be one of those patients. you know the ones. the ones that call and call and nag and act like hypochondriacs. i suppose being a doctor's wife i overhear a lot of conversations and most of the time people are just overreacting. but my own husband started freaking out a little and wanted me to come right in to his office. so that's when i called my doctor.

he called me back and we talked about my symptoms. he said it's thyroiditis. which i don't fully comprehend, but i think it's a reaction to the treatment/ablation therapy i had. my thyroid is rebelling. it's swollen (i suspect this was causing the tenderness and the lumpish feeling in my throat) and my symptoms are getting worse instead of better. he prescribed some beta blockers (i'm not even sure what they do, but i think they're supposed to help with the shortness of breath mainly) and told me to take 600 mg of Advil every 4-5 hours. the beta blockers are kicking my ass and making me soooo sleepy...so i haven't been taking them as often as i was told. and the advil is tearing up my stomach even though i'm taking it with food. argh. he said if i wasn't feeling better within a week, we'd try some steroids and i'd need to come in. so it's just a waiting game until then, i guess.

i am paranoid that this means the ablation therapy didn't work and i'm either going to have to do it again or have a thyroidectomy. i'm frustrated and wishing the fall weather would get here so i could maybe stop sweating slightly. ugh. when i talk half the time it sounds like i've just finished running a marathon or something. and for someone who's not that out of shape, it's definitely worrisome.

in other news, i took the girls to synagogue this morning for a Rosh Hashanah program called "Mazel Tots." We had cupcakes and apples with honey, sang songs, did an art project, and met some other kids. sadly the next program is for Hanukkah, and it's the same day as the girls' birthday party...so I guess we'll have to miss it...boo!

we're going to services tomorrow night and tuesday morning, and meeting with a potential decorator tuesday evening. we just don't trust ourselves and our taste and want this house to come together nicely. we won't use her for every little thing, but for most of the bigger things like flooring, paint colors, window treatments, and some of the big furniture. we obviously have a lot of furniture already, but are in need of a new couch for the basement and some new things for a cozy/formal living room (which doesn't exist in our current home)...and we'll be getting rid of the girls' toddler beds when we move and getting real big-girl beds. yay! i can't believe they are almost three years old?!?!?!?!

ok. gotta go.
and so many shows returning tonight----Brothers & Sisters, Dexter, and Californication. And True Blood started a few weeks ago and we love that. Sunday is a big tv night. Thank goodness for DVR!!!

i miss my kids

i just want to hold them.
sigh.

tomorrow, maybe.

Day 1

ok, so i think i might really do this. or at least try.

today for breakfast i had a bowl of Kashi Heart to Heart cereal with some blueberries and bananas in it. and about 1/2 cup of coffee with skim milk. that was right around 8:00 a.m. Now it's nearly 10 and i'm starting to feel like i'm hungry again. i'm going to glug some water and see how that helps.

cont'd later:

11 a.m. -- 1 banana
12:15 p.m. --1 Smart Ones frozen entree (rigatoni with chicken and broccoli, 290 calories) and a handful of green grapes.

2:00 --cup of Light N' Fit strawberry yogurt (fat free, no added sugar) with a bit of granola sprinkled on top

4:30--handful of Goldfish crackers and 1/2 a piece of mozzarella string cheese while at the pool with the kids

6:30--dinner. One grilled chicken breast with sauteed zucchini and yellow squash. water.

The day is not over yet, but I am going to skip my Skinny Cow ice cream cone tonight. I know night time eating is the worst. Wonder if a glass of skim milk is equally bad? I think the protein might help me feel more full/fulfilled.

So if you're reading this, clearly I'm overeating, right? I need something in my stomach every 2 hours, and I'm trying to make sure I get protein in there because I know that is the key.