confession

i have a bad mommy confession to make. i feel awful. i know i can't un-do it. i've been really anxious/stressed out about Hurricane Gustav. not that that is an excuse for what I did, but maybe it puts my mood into perspective.

i took the girls to the grocery store this morning (right after water started coming over the tops of the levees in new orleans), and they wouldn't ride in the cart. not a regular cart, and not a car/fire truck/police car inspired cart (these days even when we do get one of those kiddie carts, they rarely stay in it long). i told them they had to stick with mommy if they wanted a treat. well, that lasted for about 5 minutes, and then they were off and running. all over the store. it started when i was at the meat counter waiting for my ground turkey. they took off. it's monkey see-monkey do all the time with the girls. endlessly frustrating. again, not an excuse.

so i chase them down TWICE, and TWICE warn them that if it happens again and they refuse to stick with mommy, they're going to get a spanking. no one likes to spank their kids. and part of my problem is that i am constantly threatening, and often without any follow through, so they think they can do whatever they like most of the time. well, today i proved them wrong. i have only spanked in public one or two other times, and it wasn't the same as today, and i don't think it was both of them at once, either.

i was furious with them. i spanked them each and izzy promptly plopped down on the floor in the middle of the aisle and started wailing as a result. i guess when she sat down (or when i spanked her), she bit her lip, and it started bleeding. so here i am with two crying kids in the middle of the grocery store (and it wasn't a big/long shopping trip, either----i needed maybe 6 or 7 things and we were gone less than 30 minutes), one with a bleeding lip, and i'm sure people wanted to call child protection services on me. i was just at my wit's end. that's no excuse, either, but sometimes i think i need to quit taking them to the grocery/target/etc. because i cannot control them. once the manager almost had to shut down target because abby ran off and was hiding and wouldn't respond when i was calling her name up and down each aisle. she thought it was really funny. i, however, was not laughing.

i need a solution. i need to be able to go to the store like a normal person and not have to go running around after my kids. i need to calm down and not get so bent out of shape and take things out on them----although, in my defense, even in retrospect, they deserved it today and were being completely wicked. the terrible twos are getting me down. i really don't feel like i have the upper hand here, and i should. i'm the mommy. but it's two against one most of the time. my fear is, if i leave them to their own devices, especially in the grocery store, there will be broken jars of spaghetti sauce and packages of M & M's torn open all over the floor.

i am sorry for being such a shitty mom.