Ten Things I'm Willing to Admit to Myself (& You)

And so 2011 begins.
I don't make resolutions because they just beg to be broken; but I do have goals for the new year:

1. Starting today, I'll be writing my morning pages before the girls wake up. This will become my daily ritual, my alone time to think, write and let the words tumble out.  Eventually I hope this will evolve into the beginning of a beautiful book. Don't get your hopes up.
2. I'm working on a brand new site, my own domain/ dot com. I'm excited, but so anxious I've got the runs. I won't be The Mother Load anymore. It'll be a fresh start and I hope you'll follow me over to my new digs when it's time.
3. I'm going to Blissdom, a writing/blogging conference in Nashville at the end of January.

In order to be successful, I have to admit some things to myself and to you so we're all on the same page.

1. It is going to royally suck be really hard to wake up at 5:15 a.m. every day. But I have two (cyber)writing partners who are holding me accountable: Ashlei at Shades of Blue & Green and Nancy at Away We Go. We plan to check in with one another on Twitter every morning at the ass crack of dawn.
2. A lot of what I write will may be utter crap. And that's okay. The point is just to get into the habit of writing for several hours daily.
3. There will may be days when I hit a wall. I'm not perfect. No one is. (Right?)
4. I'm scared to death of my new blog/site. I'm not even really sure what I want it to look like. All I know is what I don't want it to look like. Le sigh.
5. I'm going to Blissdom at the end of this month and that also scares the pants off of me. But I registered, bought my plane tickets, and booked my hotel room, complete with two darling roommates. So there's no going back. Done deal.
6. I'm worried I'm going to annoy the heck out of said roommates at Blissdom. Also? I don't want them to know that I poop. Shhhhhh.
7. I'm terrified that "the book" will never happen.
8. I don't know what I'll do if the words won't come? (call Ashlei & Nancy or refer to Bird by Bird?)
9. I will may need lots of help: pressure, pep talks, and ass kicking. Alcoholic beverages are also a given and you might be so lucky as to witness a good cry.
10. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. With any of this. A minute ago I had "hell" written there instead of fuck. But fuck it. Oh wait, that sounds bad...

What are YOU willing to admit to yourself? Please leave it in the comments---profanity and all.

The Evolution of Erin: 10 Things I Learned This Weekend

1. Sharing laughter, tears & Cosmos with my bloggy besties Lee & Tracie over the weekend was the best medicine in the world. I love you girls!

me, Lee, & Tracie on the rooftop of some bar we don't remember the name of

Cheers!

2. Sometimes a complete stranger you've just met can manage to size you up in a matter of seconds.

3. I talk about letting go and apologizing, but these are issues I'm still wrestling with. I am too much in my own head. My brain is always on overdrive. I ruminate on the past and have a hard time freeing myself from the web.

4. My heart is big; maybe too big. Is that possible? I see the best in everyone. I trust, but at the same time, I'm not sure I should. I'm guarded. Does that make any kind of sense? No, I didn't think so either.

5. It is difficult to reconcile my memories of the distant past with what actually happened. Are those recesses of my brain biased? Do I make things up or tweak them so they're more palatable?

6. Despite the struggles, I'm growing by leaps and bounds, saying what's on my mind. So while I struggle with letting go of some things, I am simultaneously evolving, shifting  and making room for The New Erin. The Evolution of Erin, as it were.

7. I've written before about my love for New Orleans (the city of my birth) and the fleur de lis. Fleur de lis literally means "lily flower" & you can learn more about it here. I've wanted a fleur de lis tattoo for a LONG time, so this past weekend was the perfect opportunity. I even managed to incorporate my original tattoo I got when I was in college with my friend Heather (we got matching flowers to prove we were fun, daring and not lame). Sorry, Dad. Don't hate me.

BEFORE: my original tattoo I got in college circa 1997, on my right hip.

 8. I'm doing something new in early 2011, but I'm not going to call it a New Year's Resolution. Anne Lamott's Bird By Bird is an amazing read for writers. I'm going to put it into action, starting with my morning pages. I will set my alarm every morning (not sure of the exact time yet, but thinking 5:30-5:45 ish) so that I can write in the quiet early morning darkness.

"The very first thing I tell my new students on the first day of a workshop is

that good writing is about telling the truth." --Anne Lamott

9. There is nothing better than returning home after a weekend away and being greeted by hugs and sweet kisses from my husband and daughters. I missed them, but it was still a treat to get away.

10. Changes are a comin' for me & The Mother Load. Slowly but surely, I'm learning how to fly. My friend Megan Matthieson's post today inspires me soooo much and speaks to what I've been feeling. Go read it now: I Am a Bird.

AFTER: fleur de lis tattoo incorporating my original tattoo (thanks to lee & tracie for the idea)

close up: NO, IT IS NOT RED. the red is only irritation. The red will eventually be grey shading.