Showing posts with label New Orleans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Orleans. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

New Orleans Honeysuckle: Gramma's Backyard

image courtesy of lakeshorepreserve.wisc.edu

Honeysuckle vines spill over the fence, falling like a fountain, cascades of bright green.
The white flowers in my grandmother's backyard look like tiny, delicate bells
I tenderly bring the clear drop of nectar to my lips, tasting its sweetness
The sweetness of childhood, innocence.

Pumping my legs on Gramma's wooden swing, gripping its thick ropes
Hanging from the old, wise oak tree with branches stretching to the sky
I look up at him in wonder while I swing
Watching my own feet as they propel me higher and higher
My hair swings back to slap my face each time, a quick sting like a bee.

I'm wearing white socks folded down once with my brown sandals
I can see the light brown hair on my legs, the scar on my right knee
From when I fell off my bike the year before.

this was not taken on that day, but you can see my sandals with socks
my beautiful mom, & my younger brother, "Markie"

My mom does headstands on the old blanket in the middle of the yard, making us laugh.
She is thin, beautiful, talented, full of fun and light. Her feet are bare.
I can't stand on my head. But she can do everything.
And her feet are much prettier than mine.

I don't take off my shoes after I swing--
The St. Augustine grass is rough and crunchy and makes my ankles itch.

Now:
Can I make myself new again?
Can I start over, a slate wiped clean?
Innocent like that day in the backyard.
It's time for a swing.

Friday, January 21, 2011

My Awakening.



Today I'm linking up with the Red Dress Club! Here's today's prompt, courtesy of Katie / @Ksluiter:

Hemingway was famous for his super sparse writing. He used almost only dialogue in many of his works. Write a piece in which you use ONLY dialogue. (I'm bending the rules because, well, I can.)


"Let's go someplace where we can talk," Jessie said as I got into her car.

"What about P.J.'s? I'm seriously craving an iced mocha," I suggested.

"Nah, I was thinking of someplace quieter. I just really need to tell you something," she said.

"Okay. Well, wherever you wanna go is fine, you're the one driving," I said, as I reached over to switch on the radio. I started humming along with Dave Matthews.

"So how are you? Are you going back up to school next week?" she asked.

"Yes! I'm so ready. I'm sick of talking to my shrink, sick of thinking about it all, and I really just want to get back to normal. Whatever that is. You know?"

"You're not going to hurt yourself again, are you? Because I gotta tell ya, that scared the shit out of me Erin. You just can't do that," Jessie said. "It's fucked up."

"Honestly, I can't promise I won't do it again 'cause I still think about it. It's like the urges come on so suddenly sometimes and I can't stop myself. Nobody gets it. But the Prozac and Klonopin are helping," I added.

"I'm worried about you. I mean, you're my friend and I love you and I don't know what I would've done if I'd been the one to find you with blood everywhere," she said as she pulled her car into a spot at The Point on the Lakefront. Then she turned off the music.

My stomach lurched. The Point was where people went to make out. I saw a few other cars, most of them with foggy windows. I leaned the side of my head on the glass and looked out at the waves. Jessie took the keys out of the ignition and tossed them into the cup holder. It got quiet. My stomach gurgled and I clamped my hands down over it instinctively.

"I'm not sure how to say this," she began. "We've been friends for a long time and I don't want to lose that. But lately..." she trailed off. "Lately I've been thinking about you. Like, a lot." She stopped and took a deep breath, then exhaled.

"I've got feelings for you," she blurted out.

"Feelings? What kind of feelings?" I asked, staring hard at the whitecaps, blurring the edges of her in my peripheral vision.

"Why can't you look at me? Can you look at me, please?" she asked.

Reluctantly I lifted my head and slowly shifted to face her.

"I'm in love with you," she said simply. "I just am."

"So you're telling me this now. When you know about Lauren, my dad, and everything I've been dealing with. You know I have feelings for her and I'm a mess dealing with all that crap, plus the cutting, my parents. And you do this now?"

"I know, I know. But I had to tell you. I had to get it out," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

I sighed and rubbed my temples.

"What do you want me to say, Jessie?" I asked. "I'm sorry I don't feel that way about you. And even though I don't really know who I am or what this thing with Lauren is all about, I know my heart belongs to her for now. I may be a freakin' train wreck, but I know that much."

"So why can't you just look me in the eye and say it?" she asked.

"You know I'm terrible about the eye contact. Get off my case," I snapped. "Besides, this is the last thing I need right now. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or anything, but I just can't deal."

I began unraveling. Looking out at the waves, I thought of Edna Pontellier. I longed to be in the Gulf, giving up, handing myself over to the rough waves. Salty, swirling water sucking me under, drifting down into the dark, cool deep. It would be so much easier.

"Jessie, I'm sorry. I really am. But can you please just take me home?" I plead.

Inwardly, I'm stuffing down the sudden overwhelming desire to cut myself, to offer up my blood to some unknown God.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Going Home Again

Yesterday I drove east down West Esplanade in Metairie, watching the egrets stand on their spindly legs: small, yet still so regal. Ducks splashing in the murky-watered canal, some even hanging out right next to the road. Memories came back to me in a flood, the nostalgia washing over me in tumbling waves.

I passed the old, run down Torah Academy with blue siding which is now vacant--my old "marker." Seeing that place every morning on the way to school made my stomach knot up. Because I knew Hell was just around the corner.

I took our girls there yesterday--to my old elementary/high school, Ecole Classique in Metairie. Parking in the white shell lot felt the same; too many pot holes, too uneven. Those bumps were supposed to discourage us highschoolers from driving too fast or doing donuts. The girls and I crossed through the gate holding hands and went inside. It was dark and eerily quiet. If there were any demons lurking, I didn't feel them.

I asked the girls to climb up onto the bleachers, the very same ones I sat on during pep rallies in the early 90s. I'd stomp my feet, clap my hands and shout, hoping our class would win the Spirit Stick. And at the same time always wishing I was one of those girls in the fun blue, white and yellow uniforms making the crowd go crazy.

So many memories spring up for me here. Maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, or maybe it's just that I'll never let go of some things. I don't really know. And that is okay.

On my way to meet Elaine of The Miss-Elaineous Life, "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John came on the radio and jolted me. Eons ago, someone told me that song reminded him of me, though I'm not sure why. But I love the lyrics and since they're stuck in my head, they'll be stuck in yous now, too:



Do you have lots of vivid memories? What happens when you go to places that hold so much meaning for you? Someone recently told me people should just concentrate on moving forward and forget about the past. But can you? Can I?

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Evolution of Erin: 10 Things I Learned This Weekend

1. Sharing laughter, tears & Cosmos with my bloggy besties Lee & Tracie over the weekend was the best medicine in the world. I love you girls!


me, Lee, & Tracie on the rooftop of some bar we don't remember the name of


Cheers!


2. Sometimes a complete stranger you've just met can manage to size you up in a matter of seconds.

3. I talk about letting go and apologizing, but these are issues I'm still wrestling with. I am too much in my own head. My brain is always on overdrive. I ruminate on the past and have a hard time freeing myself from the web.

4. My heart is big; maybe too big. Is that possible? I see the best in everyone. I trust, but at the same time, I'm not sure I should. I'm guarded. Does that make any kind of sense? No, I didn't think so either.

5. It is difficult to reconcile my memories of the distant past with what actually happened. Are those recesses of my brain biased? Do I make things up or tweak them so they're more palatable?

6. Despite the struggles, I'm growing by leaps and bounds, saying what's on my mind. So while I struggle with letting go of some things, I am simultaneously evolving, shifting  and making room for The New Erin. The Evolution of Erin, as it were.

7. I've written before about my love for New Orleans (the city of my birth) and the fleur de lis. Fleur de lis literally means "lily flower" & you can learn more about it here. I've wanted a fleur de lis tattoo for a LONG time, so this past weekend was the perfect opportunity. I even managed to incorporate my original tattoo I got when I was in college with my friend Heather (we got matching flowers to prove we were fun, daring and not lame). Sorry, Dad. Don't hate me.


BEFORE: my original tattoo I got in college circa 1997, on my right hip.

 8. I'm doing something new in early 2011, but I'm not going to call it a New Year's Resolution. Anne Lamott's Bird By Bird is an amazing read for writers. I'm going to put it into action, starting with my morning pages. I will set my alarm every morning (not sure of the exact time yet, but thinking 5:30-5:45 ish) so that I can write in the quiet early morning darkness.

"The very first thing I tell my new students on the first day of a workshop is
that good writing is about telling the truth." --Anne Lamott

9. There is nothing better than returning home after a weekend away and being greeted by hugs and sweet kisses from my husband and daughters. I missed them, but it was still a treat to get away.

10. Changes are a comin' for me & The Mother Load. Slowly but surely, I'm learning how to fly. My friend Megan Matthieson's post today inspires me soooo much and speaks to what I've been feeling. Go read it now: I Am a Bird.

AFTER: fleur de lis tattoo incorporating my original tattoo (thanks to lee & tracie for the idea)


close up: NO, IT IS NOT RED. the red is only irritation. The red will eventually be grey shading.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

In NBC Interview, Bush Calls Kanye's On-Air Insult Worst Moment of Presidency



By Nate Freeman



In anticipation of the Nov. 9 release of his memoir Decision Points, George W. Bush will sit down with Matt Lauer for a prime-time news special this Monday to talk over the experiences relayed in the book. In the excerpts released yesterday in a press release, the NBC anchor grilled the ex-head of state on the memoir's key moments — namely 9/11, the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, etc.



But which of these events — all of them defining disasters of this millennium — does Bush consider the worst moment of his presidency? None, actually! It seems Bush is the latest victim of the cutting disses Kanye West can sneak into his nimble, dexterous flow. The offending quip, of course, was West's assertion, on an NBC Katrina telethon, that "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Bush admits that 'Ye burned him hard.



MATT LAUER:
This from the book. “Five years later I can barely write those words without feeling disgust.” You go on. “I faced a lot of criticism as President. I didn’t like hearing people claim that I lied about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction or cut taxes to benefit the rich. But the suggestion that I was racist because of the response to Katrina represented an all time low.”



PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:
Yeah. I still feel that way as you read those words. I felt ‘em when I heard ‘em, felt ‘em when I wrote ‘em and I felt ‘em when I’m listening to ‘em.



Kanye has dealt with the haters before — diss tracks from the Dipset crew, Barack Obama calling him a "jackass" after he interrupted Taylor Swift — but nothing compared to the president calling his insult the lowest point of an eight-year tenure in the Oval Office. What's beef, W.?



Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Miss New Orleans and My Love for the Fleur de Lis

Did you know that Cynthia of Running with Letters is not only a published, amazingly gifted writer, but also an artist? I fell head over heels in love with her mosaic seahorse on her blog a few months ago (you can check him out here), and I had to ask her to make me something special. If you know me, it didn't take any time at all to determine what I wanted. A fleur de lis, of course!


As a native New Orleanian now living in the Midwest, I've become particularly attached to the symbol of my city and its rich heritage. New Orleans reaffirmed its love for the fleur de lis post Hurricane Katrina, when flags featuring it could be found in front yards and on flagpoles everywhere.


Cynthia's fleur de lis....
we're trying to find the perfect spot for it!


The fleur de lis represents all my family went through when I had already moved to Kansas and couldn't go back to help. It was difficult seeing the damage, yet being unable to physically DO anything to show my support (I was very pregnant with the twins). I sat back quietly in a wretched kind of silence while these images floated through my head over and over.

my brother & sister-in-law's living room
my brother & sister-in-law's kitchen
looking down my mom's street from a canoe.
Others trying to get to their homes via canoe.


The fleur de lis symbolizes the devastation, destruction and subsequent rebirth of my hometown. Despite everything it has risen again, like a phoenix.

It symbolizes beignets swimming in powdered sugar and dipped in hot cafe au lait, shrimp poboys spilling over with mayonnaise and lettuce, and chocolate snowballs from Sal's.

It symbolizes the motionless mimes of the French Quarter painted in silver, the clank of pocket change being dropped in their buckets, and the sounds of horses' hooves clopping down the sticky streets.

The clickety clack of the old green streetcars going up and down the tracks. How I took that sound for granted until I returned after Katrina and the streets were eerily silent and still.

Visiting the zoo every year and playing on Monkey Hill, the highest point in New Orleans, the only one above sea level. Only in New Orleans will you find a man-made hill to show children in the area what a hill actually looks like.

The way your glasses fog up when you step outside nine months out of the year, even first thing in the morning. Spending Thanksgiving Day indoors, wearing shorts with the AC blasting.

The above-ground cemetaries, ripe with history. Tombs crammed together and statues of significant figures. Voodoo dolls, palm readers, and goey pralines; go-cups, Hurricanes from Pat O's, and karaoke at the Cat's Meow.

Jogging on the levee every morning overlooking the brown Mississippi River and the barges passing by. Twice rescuing turtles that had lost their sense of direction and ended up on River Road.

The fleur de lis is feeding the ducks at Audobon Park and watching the college students come and go. It's Oscar's, the bar on Metairie Road where I had my first shot of Goldschlager. It's the Mardi Gras parades and shaking my hips to the beat of the marching bands. Stomping on doubloons to claim them, catching beads in the face, the smell of beer and sweat and the throng of a thousand people pulsing beside you.

King Cakes stuffed with cream cheese, painted with purple, gold, and green sugar. Biting into that plastic baby. Red beans and rice on Mondays, and Bananas Foster anytime your sweet tooth demands it.

My favorite stationery store, Scriptura, on Magazine Street where the owner's dog, Bailey, would lie in patches of sunlight on the shop's hardwood floor. Magazine Street with its antique shops and dive bars, the Bridge Lounge with its black and white photographs of different dogs covering the walls. The cheese fries at F & M's. All the times I shared with friends at these places...

The Columns Hotel on St. Charles where I watched cockroaches swarm beneath my feet as I sipped a dainty cocktail outside on the porch, sweat dripping down and forming a pool in my bra. The sound of laughter and crickets, and the feeling that no one else anywhere on Earth knows what it's like to live in New Orleans.

New Orleans, where I spent 28 years of my life. Where much of my beloved family still lives. Where a part of me will remain forever.

With her art, Cynthia has helped me remember all these things and more. This fleur de lis is beyond special to me. It is my life, my heritage, the path I've traveled. It's a light, guiding me. Cynthia has a rare gift and I hope you will visit her blog and get to know her. Better yet, have her make something incredible for you. She's managed to bring a piece of New Orleans to me, and I know she can do something equally important for you or someone you love.

I miss New Orleans.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Now That You've Heard All About My Family, Here Are Some Photos....

Kevin & Izzy
Everyone trying to orchestrate a photo of the three cousins. My dad is in the hat.
My mom's BFF, Chelsea, is in the green shirt. Mark is holding my niece, Livy,
and my sister-in-law, Katheryn, is in the grey top. You can see half of my mom off
to the right side trying to make the girls smile....
Abby & Livy take a snack break
                                            Kory, my dad's partner, (aka NaNa) taking a bite out of Izzy

You know you're in New Orleans when......there's lots of moss.

Izzy and Mommy on the carousel

Abby on the carousel


The three cousins playing in the rain...
GiGi's red velvet birthday cake--her favorite! YUM!
                    Izzy sporting her party hat
Uncle George (my dad's brother) and Abby
The Father Load and Izzy
Mark and the three cousins running in for a hug
The three cousins waiting for Tower of Pizza to open
Hungrily watching our pizzas being made
And for those of you that think Izzy is our favorite because she's in all the photos it's because most often this is what Abby is doing.
My mom (aka GiGi) and Izzy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM! WE LOVE YOU!

Monday, January 25, 2010

When The Saints Go Marching In....

Good morning lovely readers,


This morning I am sharing a guest post my younger brother, Mark, wrote for me back in November. In light of the Saints' win last night and the fact that they are going to the Superbowl, I am re-running this. As many of you know, I am from New Orleans. Mark still lives there. On the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina last August, I blogged about my family's losses. You can view those posts here and here. Mark's photos from his home are here. I have to say I think he's written a really wonderful post, and I'm not even a football fan. But this is about so much more than football. Please read on.
___________________________________

There are a lot of places where the local sports team hasn’t “won the big one.” And in a lot of those places, fans still love their team, still cheer for them year in and year out, and they remain optimistic about “next year.” They want to feel what it’s like to win THE big game; to scream at the top of their lungs; to be filled with overwhelming happiness and euphoria, and to proudly raise their index fingers in the air while chanting their fight song or catch phrase. They don’t know what it’s like. They’ve seen it happen to other teams, but they can’t really understand. New Orleans Saints fans are the exception to the rule. See, even though the Saints have never won the Super Bowl, we know what all of those things feel like.

Hurricane Katrina did a number on the Superdome. It took about a year to repair the water damage from the storm and the destruction caused by the panicked crowd who stayed within the Dome without electricity or plumbing. I imagine it took a long time to remove the putrid smell of raw sewage and death. The Saints spent over a year without playing at home in the Dome.

On September 25, 2006, the Dome was finally reopened. That Monday night, the Saints took on the Atlanta Falcons as all of America watched (you DID watch didn’t you?). I’m sure your average out-of-towner thought, “Wow, I’ll bet the crowd will be excited.” They had no idea.

Picture losing everything. EVERYTHING. Your house destroyed. Your photo albums ruined. Your car totaled. Your job gone. Your friends and family scattered…or worse. Picture YOUR neighborhood, YOUR street, YOUR block…a post-apocalyptic nightmare.

Picture your voice cracking, “What?” as you are told that your insurance company won’t be covering your losses.
Picture hugging your best friend for the last time before she moves away…permanently.

Picture yourself attempting to comfort your child: “It’s going to be okay, honey. We’re going to get a NEW house, and you’ll have a NEW bed and NEW toys and NEW friends, and things will be better than ever.” Picture yourself doubting those words as they come out.
Picture trying to rebuild your home with your own two hands.

Picture the contractor you hired skipping town with your Road Home money.

Picture yourself sitting on a plastic storage container filled with the moldy, rotting remains of your life. Picture yourself crying uncontrollably.

Picture yourself emotionally exhausted. Picture yourself actually forgetting what it’s like to smile.

Imagine feeling those emotions…for a year.

(Don’t read the remainder of this until you’ve actually tried to picture these things.)

Now picture yourself finally getting some good news. Picture yourself hearing that your city’s team looks pretty good and they’re going to be able to play AT HOME for the first time in what feels like forever. You don’t even remember what it was like to tailgate or to have a party at your house. You can’t for the life of you even remember the last time you high-fived someone.

Picture yourself returning to the scene of so much pain, so much violence, so much uncertainty. When you walk through the turnstiles all you can hear is people say, “Wow, it looks like nothing happened here!” When you smell the hot dogs and popcorn, you think of MRE’s. You instinctively check the roof to make sure it’s fixed. When you walk to your seat you think, people died here.

You don’t quite understand it when the National Anthem plays and you can’t hold back the tears. You turn to the stranger next to you who is also wiping tears away, and you both laugh a little, take a deep breath and sigh.

The roar always starts near the Saints’ tunnel because the fans there can see the team when they line up before they take the field. But tonight, the sound is different…louder…more desperate. When the Saints make their first big play, you know you’re going to pump your fists and yell. That’s the conditioned fan response. It’s expected. It’s normal. You’re ready for some normalcy.

The Saints block a punt and return it for a touchdown.

You didn’t know it was going to feel like being born again. You weren’t prepared. No one else is either. The screams of 72,002 other people in the Dome feel like they could break levees. The tears could flood the streets. Every big play is like this. Every touchdown, every sack. You’ve known the definition of “catharsis” since 7th grade English class. You never knew its meaning until now.
Just when you think you have nothing left to give, it’s halftime and U2 and Green Day play a live rendition of “The Saints are Coming.” After the first line, “There is a house in New Orleans; they call it the Superdome,” you well up again. A minute later, Bono sings, “Living like birds in the Magnolia trees; child on a rooftop, mother on her knees; her sign reads ‘Please, I am an Americaaaaaaaaan!”

You weren’t prepared for that. The words ring in your head. The freeze-frame memories from a year ago come flooding back. You don’t hear the rest of the song.

You can’t decide whether what you’re feeling is sadness or happiness. You know no one around you knows the answer either.

After another half of complete euphoria, New Orleanians would be heard for miles, chanting “WHO DAT,” screaming at the top of their lungs, index fingers in the air. Sportswriters, coaches, and players would later say that there was no team, NO TEAM, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD that could have beaten the Saints that night.

I want another night like that. I hope this is our year.
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