I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours, or, The Crap That Lives In My Purse.

I've seen posts like this all over the Blogosphere lately, so I'm finally jumping on the bandwagon. I wish I remembered where I'd seen them all so I could give credit where credit is due. If you know, please email me so I can edit this to include those bloggers!

Exhibit A:
My Gap handbag I got on sale for $16.99 a few weeks ago. Looks innocent enough, right? Yeah, well, let's just say looks can be deceiving, people.

Exhibit B: This is me. Apparently.


In true Ally Sheedy/Breakfast Club fashion, I dumped all its contents onto the living room floor. Then I took photos of things in small groups. However, please note that not surprisingly, no makeup, fun headbands, or Capn' Crunch cereal were found in my purse.

In no particular order, here is everything that was/is in my bag.

1.) About 22 pieces of UNused Kleenex. Because it would be too easy to keep it in its handy little travel pack.

2.) New package of Heartgard for Monster. I don't accept plastic shopping bags, so sometimes I just stuff things in my purse.

3.) New package of Frontline for Monster. Got 1 vial free. Yay! I never get anything free! Well, I didn't. My dog did.

1.) Bag of almonds for me. Been using same Ziploc for them for entirely too long. Because I'm green. Or just gross, your call.

2.) Animal crackers, one pack per hooligan. Never ever leave home without sustenance for kiddos. And they have to be exactly the same, or it might cause World War III.

3.) Annie's fruity bunnies. The girls' favorite snack. One I can feel sorta good about. Maybe.

4.) Think Thin protein bar. My favorite meal on-the-go.

1.) Envirosax reusable pink bunny shopping bag. Holds up to 44 lbs. of stuff. Always keep one balled up in my purse.

2.) Purple reusable produce bag from Whole Foods. Always keep one in my purse.

3.) Small pack of Hello Kitty wipes. Because my kids had to have 'em & because Hello Kitty rocks.

4.) Pink composition book. For all the stuff I'm not writing or should be writing down.

5.) The Alchemist by Paulo Coelo. Haven't started reading it yet. Never be without reading material.

6.) Box of Altoids. Because I have halitosis. Or diarrhea of the mouth. Or something. I stink.

7.) Boxes of crayons from Nordstrom's Cafe. I think they get thrown away (after use) otherwise, so we bring them home. Like we need more crayons around here.

Misc. papers:

1.) Agenda from my most recent PJ Library Committee meeting with my notes scribbled all over it.

2.) Yellow menu from Great Harvest Bread. Because I absolutely need more carbs in my life.

3.) Black sunglasses case from Ann Taylor Loft.

4.) ASPCA brochure: 101 Things You Didn't Know Could Harm Your Pet. Because I love my doggie (and animals in general) and support the organization.

5.) PJ Library enrollment brochure so I can stalk Jews people while I'm on the go.

6.) Small, white bullet-shaped Natracare tampon. (under the sunglasses case) Because even when I'm in the red, I'm still green. But not like all Christmas-y, because I'm a Jew and we do Hanukkah over here.

7.) Flyer and hand-written notes from a workshop we recently attended where Susan Stiffelman spoke about "Parenting Without Power Struggles." One of my children who shall remain nameless is the reason we attended said conference. Hint: her name begins with "A." But I'm not saying anything more.

8.) Ginormous vet bill receipt for grooming and labs for Monster. But bonus-- a rebate form for the Heartgard! I can get 12 whole dollars back! Woohoo!

9.) Miscellaneous note/list of stuff I need to do but haven't yet. Oy vey.

1.) Pens--six of them. Because somehow, even with that many in my purse, I'm always digging for and unable to find one when I most need it.

2.) Random Hello Kitty band-aid. Because boo boo's happen. A lot. And only something with that god forsaken cat on it Hello Kitty can stop the fake tears.

3.) My regular key chain and my spare car key chain. Because it really makes sense to drive around with my spare key in case I lock myself out of my car.

4.) Contact lens case.

5.) Stupid Sprint cell phone. That doesn't give me any service in my own house.

6.) Small tube of Cetaphil hand lotion.

7.) Small bottle of hand sanitizer.

8.) Box of Shut The Hell Up gum. Just because I liked the box. 12 kinds of awesome, people.

9.) Hobo wallet from my BFF Shelly Kramer. It's da bomb diggity. And she has one just like it.

10.) Misc. hair clips/accessories including Hello Kitty ponytail holder. Because in case it's not obvious, we like that chic. I mean cat.

11.) Old bottle of Cymbalta which is now filled with various vitamins, Advil, and Pepcid for all the heartburn my kids give me.

12.) Plastic witch finger with red nail polish on that I was instructed to hold onto because someone else was too lazy tired busy to hold it herself.

So let's see what's in YOUR bag!

Memoir Monday: The Aqua Net in My Purse, Or Why Those 80s Bangs Didn't Work Out So Well For Me

Despite what you might think, I haven't always been the smashing success I am today. Sadly, I haven't always been this calm, cool, collected, drop-dead gorgeous and intellectually superior woman. No sirree Bob, back in the day I was just a lowly Wannabe. You know that book about the Wannabes and the Queen Bees and how much cliques and junior high girls suck? Well, I was lucky enough to fall into the Wannabe category. The one nobody wanna beez in. Get it?!

I crack myself up.

Anybee, it's 1986, so I'm 10 years old and in 5th grade. This was a stellar year for me because my mom hadn't bought me my first bra yet (which was very obvious given the starched, white blouses we had to wear with our hideous red plaid uniform skirts), but all the other girls had them. Didn't so much matter that I had nothing to put in said bra, but I was already feeling singled out. Fifth grade began the Spin the Bottle parties, UNITS outfits, the rise of Forenza and Girbaud jeans (another thing I didn't own but everyone else did, not that I'm keeping track or anything), lots of hair spray and bangs the height of the Empire State Building.

(See? I wasn't kidding. UNITS + Big Bangs = FAIL)

For my tenth birthday, a friend had given me a new purse. I used my allowance to buy a bottle of Aqua Net like all the other girls whipped out during break to tweak their coiffures. Unfortunately for me, it was not in an aerosol can, it was one of those archaic pump spray bottles. You know, the ones that are better for the environment?

We're in math class with Mrs. L. She's up at the board writing some problems for us to work on. Her arm jiggles like crazy and everyone suppresses giggles while her ample behind sways from side to side. She finishes, turns around, and you can hear her pantyhose-clad thighs rubbing against each other as she heads back to her desk. Suddenly she freezes in her tracks and opens her mouth in horror.

"What is that?" she hisses, pointing to a previously undetected puddle next to my desk. Everyone begins twisting this way and that, trying to see what she's looking at. I look down and blush furiously. I instantly realize that the entirety of my beloved bottle of Make Me A Queen Bee (aka Aqua Net) has somehow leaked through my purse and onto the classroom floor. Everyone titters because it honestly looks like I had an accident, like some brand new puppy.

I apologize to Mrs. L and race to the girls' room to get some paper towels. As my classmates' snickers turn from Mrs. L to me, I sop up the mess and put the soggy paper towels in the trash can. Next, I toss in the now-empty bottle of hair spray. I can feel my face burning, I can't look at anyone, and deep down I already know I'll never be a Queen Bee.

Looking back I can honestly say I'm glad I wasn't a Queen Bee. I'm just not built that way. And I never picked up another bottle of Aqua Net again. Hair spray is just not my friend