Random thoughts on a rainy day

Sometimes I can't help but think there's no greater indignity than standing out in the pouring rain holding an umbrella over one's doggie while he has diarrhea.

I suppose many people would just let their doggies have diarrhea in the rain and not worry about it, but I felt bad for said doggie and moreover I just paid a small fortune for him to be groomed and bathed yesterday.

And then, of course, the resulting futility when one tries to scoop up the doggie diarrhea from the yard.

Why scoop, you may ask. Well, I have little children who like to frolic in the yard. And I think if someone stepped in doggie doo (fresh or otherwise), I'd feel compelled to throw away that tainted pair of shoes. So gross.

I often wonder what Monster, our mini poodle, thinks of me as I hover over him while he poops, checking my plastic bag for holes as I pull it over my hand. Surely he must imagine himself some sort of deity as I bow down to handle his droppings.

I also often wonder what the neighbors think of me.... do they peek out of their windows while I'm traipsing about in the yard with a handful of plastic bags, muttering curse words under my breath like some crazy lady?

frustrated

i need a lesson from a blog expert.

i love to post pics on my blog, but every time i do, there are all these crazy spaces between each one. clearly i'm doing something wrong. i go back in to try and edit/fix it, but there are no extra spaces in my layout.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, will someone please explain the in-sync poopage?

Okay, why didn't the pediatrician warn me that my twin girls would often need to poop at exactly the same time?

Today, for example. They were eating lunch at the island in the kitchen while I was working on the turkey lasagna we're going to have for dinner tonight (in-laws are coming over). Lots of different things on the stove, right? Suddenly Abby spills her glass of milk. I order her up to her room (we have a bad habit of playing around and spillage is rarely accidental) and begin cleaning up that mess. Izzy announces she's done with her lunch and asks me if she can poop. Why she asks me I'll never understand---just go get on the toilet, child!!!! So she does. I'm mopping up the floor and Izzy calls, "Mooooooommyyyyy, I'm ready to wiiiiiiiiiipe," and I comply. We wash hands together and I return to the kitchen to check on the lasagna noodles, which are boiling on the stove top, and give them a quick stir. I think I hear Abby screaming from upstairs, so I go to the hallway and listen. Sure enough, it's another, "Moooooooommmmmyyyy, I'm ready to wiiiiiiiiiiiipe," and up the stairs I go. We wash hands together and I race back downstairs but not quickly enough---the pasta water has boiled over and made a mess. Oh, and the dog is whining at the front door because he needs to go out.

And did I mentioned before this all happened we'd gone grocery shopping and Abby had a meltdown in store. We came home to play outside for a bit, and nothing made her happy there, either. That's when we went inside to have lunch.

They are napping now, but I am dreading wake up time.

In other news, I officially registered with http://www.terracycle.net/ today to begin my own juice pouch recycling brigade. If you are reading this and you live in KC, I'd love to take your empty juice pouches and put them to good use!!! I am going to see if I can put up a flyer at the girls' school and maybe one at Jazzercise. I've recruited a few friends and am going to chat with my new neighbors as well. My kids don't drink juice, but they do drink the Capri Sun Roarin' Waters (flavored water). Terracycle will take Capri Sun, Honest Kids, and Kool Aid pouches (note: not juice boxes). There's no rush since I have to accumulate 100 pouches before I can mail them in.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. It's a beautiful day here and I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!!!

Lately

Lately I've been feeling a slow fog of panic settling in over me, even though it's early and perhaps a little silly. I realized over the weekend that the girls are 3 1/2 years old. How can that be? It seems like just a few months ago my house was a mess of bottles, burp cloths, dirty diapers and hidden stashes of Mylicon and A & D ointment. But it won't be long before they'll be in school 5 days a week.

And then what will I do?

Don't get me wrong---I realize my days will still be full of shuttling them to/from school and extracurricular activities, helping them with homework, plus the daily tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. But clearly I'll have lots more time on my hands, time to hopefully do what I want to do.

But what do I want to do? What am I qualified to do? What am I realistically capable of doing? Shit. It's very scary to me. Yes, I have Bachelor's and Master's degrees in English. I love to read and write, but my short stint at a publishing company in New Orleans proved to me I wasn't cut out for that side of things; and I have zero confidence in my ability to teach. My interests are varied, however, and it could be that I end up dabbling in lots of other random things. You all know I love to be green...I could really focus on doing more of that. Hell, I'd love to work at Whole Foods! I'm not creative---I can barely sew a button on and I definitely can't make dainty crafts to sell on Etsy. I'm not that girl. And I don't know who will hire me after years of being at home with kids and a mushy brain. I am out of the loop for sure.

It's not about the money. I just want to do something for myself, to feel worthy, to feel like I'm a part of something bigger. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your children and forget who you are and how you got there...and while I've loved every minute of being a mom, it's a lonely life sometimes.

The reality is that as much as I've talked about writing a book, it's just not going to happen. I don't know what to do with everything in my head and how to roll it into something cohesive, entertaining, smart, appealing, and witty. It just seems impossible and hugely daunting. And who would really want to read it anyway?

So I don't really know where this post is going. But I haven't posted much of anything "real" recently and I hate that. I need to get back to more substance. Will work on that.

Thanks for reading!

the latest

so, Dan is in Naples, Florida with his high school cronies. an annual trip they take together filled to the brim with booze, poker, golf, Totino's pizzas, and all sorts of other debauchery I'm probably not privy to. meanwhile, i'm at home with the kids, doing the same old thankless jobs---breaking up fist fights over toy cell phones, plunging clogged toilets, bribing the girls with promises of sugar-laden snacks, and cleaning up all the dog crap from my yard. am i jealous that Dan is with his friends, basking in the warmth of the southern sun, drinking cold beer and doing all the things he loves best?

i'd be a big fat liar if i said no.

however, there are a few things i can be happy about:
1. christy and bret welcomed their first child yesterday, a daughter they named "Caroline." she is beautiful!!!
2. my glasses came in and i picked them up today. it will be an adjustment, but it's nice to have a good optometrist who has given me an option besides contacts (which i've been wearing since i was 12-13).
3. i have made it to jazzercise 4 times this week so far!
4. i treated myself to some new Boden clothes. everything was 25 % off...and although I spent a fair amount, i typically return half of everything i buy because it doesn't fit/look right.
5. i am taking the girls out to dinner tonight, meeting my friend Shelly & her twin girls. Shelly's dh is out of town as well, so since we're both in hell we decided we may as well share in the joy.
6. i bought the girls jellies from Target today---remember those? i had some when i was little and to me they epitomize the essence of girlhood....i got them pink ones, just like mine were. will post pics if they work out.

Happy Friday, everyone!

still funkified

i'm still feeling funkified and had labs drawn on monday. i spoke with my endocrinologist's nurse to let her know everything going on (the depression, exhaustion, irritability, and now--more swelling in my neck). she put a note in my chart and when my results are in they'll call me and let me know the scoop, i guess. it just sucks feeling this way, and worrying about how long it could potentially last.

in the meantime, i've also started putting on weight and i'm horrified. i'm stepping up the pace on my workouts to hopefully avoid anything major, but i suspect it may be out of my control. i don't even know if a crash diet would help (and i'm not really good at diets, period) since the thyroid is responsible for regulating metabolism. since i'm now hypothyroid, that means my metabolism has slowed waaaay down. lovely. plus since i'm depressed, all i really want to do is eat. UGH.

in other news, i now own a minivan. a Toyota Sienna. we love it. very nice. lots different than my Explorer (sort of got used to driving a truck and forgot what a car is like), much nicer, and we can actually fit other people in the car comfortably/normally now (in the explorer we couldn't really access the 3rd row of seats). i never thought i'd be driving a minivan, but it is awesome for little kids. the doors and the trunk open with remote, there's a dvd player, bluetooth, navi system, and seat warmers in the front! woohoo! and when i get too close to something in the front or rear, the car beeps furiously. and when i'm in reverse, the navi screen turns into a camera and i can see behind me. love it. the girls love it, too, and love that they can push a button to close their doors.

i am trying to step up my jazzercise schedule starting this week to combat the weight gain. but sometimes class is hard for me....there are some women who are very thin there. too thin, really, like anorexic thin. and while i know that is unhealthy/scary/not something i should aspire to, i can't help but admire their discipline. how screwy is that? i don't want to be as skinny as they are, but it would be nice if i could just stick with a program and not ever eat any junk food and work out 5-6 times a week. i'm just not sure i'm capable of being that hard core. it is almost physically painful for me to watch these women in jazzercise class---their bones jutting out, their clothes hanging on/falling off of their tiny frames...one of them can't be more than 80 pounds, and she's tall like me. i also think shame on jazzercise for allowing her/them to continue to come in looking that way. at the very least i hope they ask for a doctor's note or something because otherwise i'm afraid she's going to have a heart attack in class one day. don't get me wrong---i understand about food being the enemy and what it is to obsess and focus on every morsel that enters my mouth....but i feel as if there needs to be an intervention of some sort. sure, jazzercise is making money off of her/them, but don't they have any obligations? you can't tell me the instructors don't notice. or perhaps they're not supposed to accuse/interfere/etc. sigh. i just don't know.

we are moving in a month and i'm getting a little stressed. i know it will all work out fine, but...packing is driving me batty. you can only pack so much when you're a month out.

one of those days

Dear Diary,

It's one of those days around here, you know the ones.

I stepped in dog poop. I yelled at my kids. I have a zit on my chin. My hair is inexcusably nasty. I need to exercise more. The stomach flu is going around and I'm worried our number is nearly up. The house is a mess. I can't keep up. We're moving in February. I don't know what I'm doing. Thank goodness we have a decorator now, but I think he thinks I'm a moron and we don't have a clue (we don't).

I go in fits and spurts where I work harder to be a better mom & wife, and then I fall off the wagon. I can never keep all the balls in the air at once. I want to cry. I want to be the perfect mom, supermom, superwife. But I can't. As soon as I get one facet of my life under control, something else falls by the wayside. I might start cooking more/cooking better, but then I'm not putting as much effort into my appearance. Or I might make a real effort to do more things with the girls and limit the tv, but then dinner doesn't get made (or it turns out poorly b/c I am multitasking, or because I forgot 2 of the ingredients as I was chasing my twins through the grocery store).

I don't know how my friends who work and have little ones do it. I feel like I should be able to do this and do it easily/well. I have excuses for everything...like most recently, Dan was sick and also the girls have been waking lots at night for various reasons---Abby to pee, and Izzy due to ear pain (and let's not even go there b/c I am so stressed and tied up in knots about that---we just got confirmation her tubes have fallen out). So sleep isn't something any of us are getting much of lately. So then I am automatically more prone to skipping workouts, or to putting a frozen pizza in the oven, or to leaving the tv on to help me catch up on other things....

We are taking the girls to see the Doo Dads tonight at the Record Bar in Westport. Perhaps that will help make up for what a terrible mother I am!

f'ing awful day, and it's only 1:45 p.m.

so....
the last few days izzy's been regressing with her potty training. it's been fabulous--really convenient and fun. it's been a real treat taking her car seat out of the car twice in the last 10 days to wash the cover (2 accidents in the car).

as if all of this wasn't fun enough, this morning happened.

it started out as a semi-normal morning, and izzy peed all over the carpet in their room. i cleaned it up and put her in a diaper. i told her when she's ready to be a big girl to let me know, and if she'll begin using the potty regularly again, she can have her panties back. she was less than thrilled with this and threw a fit, but i held firm. we ran some errands and came home mid-morning. i took them downstairs to play while i worked out on the elliptical. afterwards i brought them back up with me and let them play in their room while i showered. mid-shampoo izzy finds her way to my bathroom and announces that she's wet and poopy and it's right then that i notice poop on her legs. i scream at her to "STAY THERE AND DON'T MOVE!" as i hurriedly scramble into a towel (shampoo still in hair, mind you). as i pick her up to bring her to her tub, i notice that there's poop/pee on the carpet of my bedroom, and apparently she stepped in it on her way to inform me. lovely. if you hadn't guessed already, my illustrious daughter took it upon herself to remove her own diaper. she made it clear she didn't want the diaper on and it was obvious to her the best time to take it off was while mommy was in the shower.

so i am dripping wet, shampoo still in my hair and feeling like vomiting. i throw her in the tub, where she proceeds to poop a little more. then i remember the last time we had a similar situation (also documented in this blog), and too late run to grab the dog and shut him up in the laundry room. so now izzy's crying in the tub and has pooped in it; there is more poop and pee on the floor in my bedroom and bathroom; and as i go to bring her dirty clothes and my dirty bath mat to the laundry room, i remember too late Monster is in there and open the door. he goes flying past me to investigate and see if there are any delectable morsels left. I scrape what i can off my carpet and go to drain the tub, shower izzy off, and then clean the tub. i put a clean diaper on izzy and threaten her with many spanks if she dares to pull it off.

fortunately i still have my mother-in-law's handy dandy carpet steam cleaner and i load it up with the cleanser and hot water. i clean my bedroom carpet. i throw in more laundry. i spray down the girls' bathtub a second time and wipe it down well. i sit the girls at the kitchen table with lunch and call my mom, sobbing.

i eventually got back in the shower to finish what i started. i put the girls down for naps and ate some lunch. just as i started to unwind a bit, abby got up (a measly 1/2 hour after i put them down---so it's definitely one of those days around here). i again almost had a drink. i can't take it. why doesn't anyone warn you that motherhood will be this way? why, on this day of all days, can't both of my kids nap for at least an hour and a half so i can get my shit (pun unintended) back together before the 2nd half of the day begins?

i think i'd be really perfect for the lead role in How to Lose Your Mind and Commit Suicide in 10 Days (or Less). i think i'll go buy some poster board and make a sign that reads, "Free To Good Home," and put it in my front yard and sit my kids next to it.

Just kidding!
(maybe)