Things have steadily been declining for me over the last several weeks. It's been gradual, a falling off of sorts, a listlessness, a wandering. A brain that won't focus. A heart that hurts, but for reasons I can't specify.
I am not myself. Pieces of me are getting lost or buried somewhere. I picture them in a neglected heap in a forgotten place.
I feel quiet and addled and unable to concentrate. I feel tired and sad and alone. I am impatient with my sweet daughters, yelling far too much. I am angry with myself and feeling badly for neglecting my husband, my friends, my family.
I am trudging through this muckety-muck slowly. My boots keep getting stuck. My legs are hard to lift, heavy as stone. I keep tripping. I fall. No one picks me up. But me. I have to pick myself up. I want to curl up in bed and stay there all day, drifting in and out of dreams, but I can't. I won't.
I have felt similarly before in life, Depression is no stranger to me. I'd forgotten his heavy, sudden hand, however, and it startled me recently. When he visited me thirteen years ago, he had me grating my wrist against a razor blade as if it was a block of Gruyere. I've come so far since then, yet I can feel his familiar shadow settling slowly over me, plunging me into his darkness. He tries to be my friend, but I am yelling at him to GO AWAY. I fought him off then and I am fighting him now, but in a different way.
I'm not going down without a fight. I have a family that needs me. I can't just give into it.
**I have suspicions that this could be thyroid related and simply require an adjustment of my meds; I have also considered the possibility of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), or just the likelihood that I'm encountering a wave of depression. I have done so well for so long that I would really love to attribute everything to my thyroid. I have labs this afternoon and should know more soon. Please be patient with me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment