What's so special about today? It's my girls' birthday! And do you wanna see my boggy uterus?

Happy Birthday, Abby & Izzy!

This is our very first photo of the girls. It's a view of them as blastocysts under a microscope. This is perhaps the only time in our lives we haven't been able to tell them apart. This photo was taken right before I officially conceived my daughters, although technically speaking they were conceived in a Petri dish in the lab. They are my little miracles.

I have PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This basically means I don't ovulate, and therefore it was impossible for me to get pregnant without the assistance of a reproductive endocrinologist. You may recall reading about some of what I went through to get pregnant (my first TMI Thursday post: read it here) . All I ever wanted to be in life was a mother. I had no idea it would be so difficult. Most people don't realize how many planets have to properly align in order to get pregnant! Once we began having trouble I decided Clomid would be my miracle drug. But no. Clomid was a cake walk compared to the other stuff I had to resort to. I never imagined I'd become a pro at giving myself injections in the stomach thrice daily. Or that I'd never get over the pain of the intramuscular injections Hubs had to give me with a needle as long as my pinky finger.

I remember this day so clearly. It was cold in the examination room. My teeth were chattering. Hubs and my mom were there with me. I couldn't stop crying. Our day had finally come. This was our 2nd round of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) and it was heavy with anticipation. I'd decided I couldn't handle another round, so if this didn't work, our plan was to start talking about adoption. This photo was taken as my doctor was loading our embryos up into a catheter. I'd had Valium to relax me, but when you're sharing a room with your potential babies, there is no being calm. They are tangible. They are right there. They are on the verge of becoming your dream fully realized. Yet they might not survive. And there's absolutely nothing you can do because you have no control over any of it.

I remember Dr. B looking at the screen with us and saying quietly, "These look really good. I'm thinking twins." The tears doubled. I was scared to hope, and I almost wish she wouldn't have said it because I heard her saying it over and over in my head.

I started bleeding 7 days post transfer (7 days after they put the embryos into my uterus). I became hysterical and called my nurse. Although it was too early, she agreed to let me come in for my blood test the following day. I needed closure, I wanted to move on and accept that this IVF had failed, too.

I couldn't wait for labs, so I took the last home pregnancy test I had. The faintest second line showed up. I started to hope. But I didn't understand why I was bleeding.

I went in to the lab after lying awake all night. Numbly watched the tech draw my blood. I couldn't speak. I couldn't look at anyone. I resented the wall of photos of everyone else's babies the clinic had helped to create/conceive.

Two long hours later I got the call that I was indeed pregnant. The bleeding was due to low progesterone, which simply meant more injections for me for a while. We were excited, but nervous. We didn't know if it would stick.

Then, six weeks (and lots of nausea and exhaustion) later, this:

Two sacs. Two fetal poles. I was pregnant with twins!

Approximately 33 weeks later, I looked like a beached whale:

On December 7-8, 2005, we had a large snow storm. Hubs took me out to lunch on December 8, where I chowed down on the best grilled cheese and fries I'd ever had. That meal has since been affectionately referred to as "The Labor Lunch," because strong contractions set in that evening. I was in active labor although I didn't know it. The following morning, December 9, I went in for a regularly scheduled non-stress test. I was 34 weeks pregnant. The nurses thought I looked a little funny in the waiting area, so they whisked me straight to the back. They checked me. I was 4 cm dilated and fully effaced. My doctor came in and checked and said, "Baby A's head is right there!" I couldn't believe it! They scheduled my C-section for 1:00 p.m., which gave Hubs enough time to go home, get my overnight bag and shave the beard he'd been growing for the last two months.

At 1:46 p.m., Abigail Jane was born:

And at 1:47, her twin sister, Isabel Grace was born:

Mommy & Abby the next day

Abby is on the left, Izzy is on the right. They had feeding tubes b/c they weren't very interested in eating (common for preemies)

The girls in Daddy's arms. Izzy is on the left, Abby is on the right.

Shortly after their birth, my aunt gave me a Celine Dion cd. Now, I know what you're thinking (because I was, too). But I heard this one song and that was it for me. I played it over and over and over again. And cried every time. I listened to it on all the drives back and forth to the NICU over the next 3 weeks. And even after that. It is exactly how I feel.

"Miracle" by Celine Dion

You're my life's one miracle

Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this 'til you

 You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
Though the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more

The nearest thing to heaven
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love

 When you smile at me I cry
And to save your life I'd die
With a romance that is pure in heart
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires
I live for your desires
Forget my own, your needs will come before
Who could ever love you more

There is nothing you could ever do
To make me stop loving you
And every breath I take
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams
And know for sure
Who could ever love you more

I am so lucky to be their mama. I hope I'm not scarring them for life. There are long days when I wish for peace and quiet. And then I have a flash of anger at myself because of how quickly I've forgotten how desperately I wanted them. How quiet it would be at home without them. And how empty my heart would be.
 
I am so, so lucky.
 
Thank you for taking this walk down memory lane with me.
 
The girls today (recently):

Izzy is on the left and Abby is on the right.

p.s. if you really want to see pics of my boggy uterus, email me. And no, I'm not kidding!