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My friend and I were taking our nightly walk the other day around the neighborhood. We got a late start and because sassy pants Mother Nature has decided to skip fall for us this year and head straight into the depths of winter, it was probably going to be our last walk for awhile.
We talked about the kids, school, cleaning, what we didn’t get done that day, and she mentioned her stomach was kind of upset from dinner. I asked her if she wanted to turn around, we were only a few blocks from our street. She said no.
So we kept walking past the houses and around the corner. I commented on how weird it was that almost every house in the neighborhood and put up lights for Halloween this year and she interrupted me mid sentence to let me know she was going to run into her bathroom and shit her brains out as soon we got home.
Uh, great? Like I don’t get enough poop and potty talk at home.
We walked a few more blocks and discussed how many houses were for sale and foreclosed on in the area, well I discussed, she started to sweat and breathe heavily.
“Are you ok?” I asked watching her slow down a little and wipe the beads of sweat from her forehead.
“I don’t think so. I need to go. I need to go right now.”
“What do you mean go? Like poop? You need to poop right now?”
“Yea. Come on.”
She had picked up the pace and was doing this kind of gallop side run down the sidewalk that eventually turned the corner back towards our street, another four or five blocks away.
“Why are you running like that? You look like a horse with a stick up its ass,” I laughed.
“Cuz I’m about to shit my pants you asshole!” Satan reared her head around and steam and pea soup emerged from her mouth.
“Ok, sorry. Just a few more blocks,” I cowered in fear as her butt clenching gallop slowed.
“I’m not going to make it. I need to go now,” She said running into the middle of the street.
“Well, let’s knock on someone’s door and see if you can use the bathroom.”
“HOLY FUCK COME UP WITH AN IDEA THAT WON'T EMBARRASS ME.” She screamed.
“Uh, ok sorry. I don’t know. I mean there’s not a bathroom out here on the street,” I said not sure if I wanted to cry, laugh, or kick her ass.
“Cover me,” She galloped to the other side of the street to a large empty retention pond. I heard her slide down the hill. Oh yea, this was going to be much less embarrassing than using a toilet.
“Oh gawd,” She mumbled before it came. Ya know that scene in Dumb and Dumber where the not Jim Carrey guy shits his intestines out for about five minutes? This was her. But in the cold frozen grass, in a deep retention pond that was surrounded by at least thirty houses on each side. She may not have been able to see them over the hill, but anyone looking out their back door could see her in the rows of safety lights that came on when she moved.
I could hear it all. I didn’t know what to do. So I started to laugh, hysterically.
“It’s not funny!” She yelled in between juicy farts.
“I’m sorry. Do you need help?” I asked calming myself. What the hell lady? You’re pooping in the grass of these people’s backyard. It’s fucking hilarious.
“God damn it, my foot just slipped in it,” she mumbled. “No. Just make sure no one walks by.”
“You want me to gather leaves or something?” I asked looking to make sure the coast was clear.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WAIT!” she yelled.
So I did. Amongst the symphony of loud wet diarrhea that played for at least another two minutes.
“I think I’m done,” She sighed. And then I heard real music playing. And a deep voice say hello.
“Did you hear that?” I whispered inching off the sidewalk to the edge of the hill.
“Shhhh! Yes, I heard that.” She whispered back.
We heard it again. I looked down the backyards of the houses, the security lights back on at a few from my friend walking back up to the sidewalk.
“Dude, that guy’s on his deck right there,” I pointed to a house on the far side a few houses down.
“Fuck. Come on let's go,” She said jogging to the other side of the street and towards our block.
“Oh my God, I bet he was scared something was dying. You’re probably going to be on YouTube.” I tried not to laugh.
“I hate you,” She mumbled pushing me back into the street so we could cross over to our block. “I’ll go back later tonight and clean it up. Shit! It‘s all over my jacket.”
“Clean it up? How are you going to clean up diarrhea out of grass? It‘s not like dog poop,” I said. Only a few more houses until mine.
“ I don’t know. I swear to God if you tell a single soul about this I will eat your children.”
“That’s probably what got you in this mess in the first place,” I laughed quickly dodging her fake karate kick. “Hope you feel better. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight. I hate you!”
“Hate you too, bestie!” I waved watching her jog up her driveway giving me the finger.
The next day we took the kids to lunch and every time I asked if she wanted to go rent Dumb & Dumber or pick up some Depends, she’d grab my little guy and pretend to chew on his arm. We’re awesome like that.
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